I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
