your parents love me but you hate me
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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