He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
