at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
