my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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