I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
