When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Are my feet made of real feet?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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