3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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