I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
