Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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