one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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