just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
