The brown eye won't let me do that either.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
