the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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