I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
don't judge my taste in strippers
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
