I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
