Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
