My hair reeks of homosexuality.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
