So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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