guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
