i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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