What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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