Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
whose ass print is on the piano?
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
