you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
