I got chris browned last night
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize