dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
