Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
not ubering you a puppy
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Randomize
