We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
