They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
