So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
