Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
