Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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