Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
