Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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