Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
