I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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