We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
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