Non-Jews are for practice
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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