she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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