just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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