It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize