I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
