yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
