The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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