I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
