Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Randomize
