Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
