I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
