no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
