I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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