i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
