dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
