Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Randomize
