i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
