a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Randomize
