I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
This is the high leading the old right now
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
