I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
