I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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