My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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