Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
