my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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