Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Randomize
